What Do You Know About Your Child's Friends?

Your six-year old tells you she’s been invited to a birthday party for classmate Sally. “It’s at her house, and we’re going swimming!” she says excitedly.  But you don’t know Sally and you haven’t met her parents. 

Or, your seventh-grader tells you he wants to attend the school dance – with Francine! Who the heck is Francine?  What’s she like?  And just how do seventh-graders ‘date’?   

Knowing other parents at school isn’t just important to your child’s safety and well-being, it can be a lifesaver. Being able to borrow a book, catch a ride, get information about school assignments . . .  the fact is, both you and your child will benefit from the connections you make with other parents at school. 

Here are some ideas to help get you started.

• Attend school events    Attend the school orientation, the open house, and other events that provide an opportunity to meet teachers and parents.  It’s always interesting to meet your child’s classmates and their parents, and you’ll learn more about the school.

• Have a playdate    If privacy regulations prevent your child’s school from sharing classmates’ phone and address information, you can volunteer yours.  Send a note for your child to give to a friend, inviting them to a playdate. When the new friend comes over, you can invite the parents in and get acquainted over a cup of coffee while the kids do their thing.

• Host a parent party    Many schools accommodate our busy lives with before- and after-school child care. It’s a great convenience, but it doesn’t offer much opportunity to meet other parents or learn about what’s going on at school. You can host a cookout or party for other parents in your child’s class.  No matter how many or how few show up, you’ll become familiar with who’s who, learn the ins and outs of the school, and get caught up on school happenings.

• Volunteer    Most schools have volunteer opportunities where you’ll get a chance to work with, and get to know, other parents. If your schedule allows, become a regular volunteer for bake sales or field trips.  Otherwise, you can join the parent-teacher association or attend a meeting, you’ll learn about issues that may be of concern to you.

You may feel like your child did on the first day of school – a bit shy and reluctant to step out.  Other parents likely feel the same way. Becoming acquainted with others at school will help you and your child feel like part of the school community. You’ll be more relaxed and your child will be happier, guaranteed!

Tips to Help Your Child Make New Friends

It doesn’t matter what grade your child is in - making new friends can be hard.  If your child is attending a new school, it’s natural to be nervous. Some kids believe the more friends you have, the more popular you are.  The truth is, a child only needs one or two close friends to gain self-esteem and a sense of belonging. 

Here are some tips to share with your child to help them make new friends – good friends – at school.

Take a deep breath. 

Keep things in perspective: you're going to a new school where there will be lots of kids your age. One good strategy is to find other kids who are new to the school. You’ll have this unfamiliar environment in common, with lots to talk about (comparing your classes and the teachers, doing homework assignments, and selecting extracurricular activities).

Take the first step. 

Be open to meeting new people who are different from you - the school will have kids from all different cultures and backgrounds. Keep your head up, and make eye contact with other people. Introduce yourself (to other kids and to adults) and remember that your smile will help make introductions easier. Try to sit in the middle of the class where you have people all around and you can make conversation. You can ask a question (Do you know if the cafeteria food is any good?), talk about the school (I heard they have a great softball team), or offer a compliment (I really like your shoes!) to get a conversation started.

Get involved. 

Probably the best strategy to make new friends is to pursue your own interests. Take part in the after-school activities you like.  Join the choir, try out for the team, or be part of the Drama club! You’ll meet lots of people with different personalities and share a common interest with everyone in the group. 

Practice the golden rule. 

Remember?  Treat others as you want to be treated yourself.  Show kindness and respect toward everyone you meet, and don't judge others before you get to know them. Do nice things because you want to, and not because you need to. Help pick up books dropped on the floor.  Save a seat.  Pay a compliment.  Everyone appreciates kindness.

Be yourself. 

Stay true to who you are.  Don’t fake an interest or change yourself to try to fit in with a particular group. Anyone who doesn’t accept you for you won’t be a real friend.  If you approach others authentically, you will attract people who want to connect with you, and you’ll find your future true friends among them.

Be aware. 

Many kids will already know each other, and there will be cliques – established groups of friends with common interests and personalities. There may be groups of “mean girls” or “thugs” or whatever – people you want to avoid for a while. You don’t want to judge them, because they may be very nice people! Clearly, you want to stay away from the types of kids who are in gangs and involved in criminal activities. Be yourself! Be strong!  Don’t try to please others if it doesn't please you.

Choose well. 

Like it or not, you become like the people you hang out with. Your friends are going to influence your behavior, so choose those who will be a positive influence!  Ask yourself these questions when you select your friends: Will they lift me up or drag me down?  Will spending time with them help me to become my best self? Will I be happier after spending time with them? Can I trust them with my dreams and goals?  If not, find friends who will. 

Remember: when it comes to friends, go for quality over quantity.